GET YOUR EX BOYFRIEND BACK
Step 1: Cut Off Contact With Him
If you want to get him back, and KEEP him… he has to realize how much he misses you. And for that to happen, there can’t be any contact between you. So here’s the rule: Cut off contact with him for at least 4 weeks. What does that mean?
It means:
- No Calling Him
- No Texting Him
- No Contacting Him Online (Facebook Messages, Email, Gchat, Twitter, IM)
- No Spending Time With Friends In Common To Run Into Him
- No Running Into Him “By Accident” (Exactly what you think it means)
If you have any questions, check the FAQ at the end of this section.
Why are you cutting off contact with him? For a couple of reasons:
First, it’s to get control of yourself and get some perspective on the relationship.
After a breakup, everybody gets pretty messed up – and trying to get him back while you’re in that state is only going to make things worse.
If you want to get him back, and KEEP him… he has to realize how much he misses you.
That’s why you need these 4 weeks to calm down, put the pieces back together, and take a real look at what your relationship was. Getting perspective means you can see clearly whether you were happy, whether you were right for each other, or whether you even want to have the relationship back. Plus, it gives you the time to get past the initial unbearable phase of missing him and into a more even-tempered, secure mentality. Instead of trying to figure out signs your ex still loves you, you’ll be working on yourself and getting yourself into a better mindset. It gives you the space to say, “I don’t NEED him to be happy – I can be happy all on my own”.
Second, it’s to give him space to miss you and realize (all on his own) that he wants to have you back.
If you want him to notice how much he misses you, he has to have the space to notice that you’re gone. He won’t notice the hole that you left in his life unless you let him. So if you’re still in contact with him, he won’t get lonely. If you’re still having sex with him, he won’t miss the sex and companionship. If you’re still emotionally engaging with him, he won’t miss the love and satisfaction of being with you. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true – and this is the time for you to put it to work. When you cut off contact with him he will remember all the good times you had together and the memories of the bad times will fade.
Remember, you don’t have to remind him how much he liked being in a relationship with you – he’ll notice all on his own. If you woke up without an arm, you’d notice pretty quickly that you were missing something that was vital to you. You wouldn’t need the arm to tap you on the shoulder to remind you it was gone. You would immediately notice the ways that not having it makes your life worse, so let him notice all the ways that missing you makes his life worse.
What if he contacts me? Is that breaking No Contact?
If he contacts you (like he calls you, or texts you, or sends you some other message), it’s not breaking no contact. But if you respond to him reaching out to you, that DOES count as breaking the rule. Responding is the same as reaching out to him on your own.
If it’s a true emergency, you can respond – but keep the conversation centered around the emergency and nothing else. No personal questions, no relationship questions, nothing about either of your lives. Stay focused on only the emergency that he contacted you about.
What Should I Do If I Broke No Contact Already?
The only way to truly gain the benefits of the no contact rule is to follow it all the way through. That means that if you broke the no contact rule, the only thing to be done is to start the no contact period over again. The only thing that will get him missing you again is time, and the only way to get him thinking about how good the relationship was and forgetting about the pain is uninterrupted time without contact. Plus, it’s about going cold turkey and proving to yourself that you can live your life without him in it. If you can live without him for 4 weeks, you’ve proven it to yourself.
What If We Bump Into Each Other?
First of all, don’t bump into him “on purpose”. You know what that means. Second of all, if you truly accidentally bump into him, then here’s exactly what to do. Be upbeat, positive, and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the subjects, and whatever you do don’t bring up relationships or your relationship with him. Shoot for about 10 minutes and then end the conversation with him. The goal is to be upbeat, positive, and give the impression that you’re fine, everything in your life is good, and you’re feeling happy. Showing bitterness or resentment is only going to drive him further away from you.
What If He Finds Someone New During No Contact?
The short answer is – he’s not going to.
When a guy gets out of a serious relationship, he’s not going to fall in love and find someone new right away. Most guys don’t even want to get in a relationship right after getting out of a serious one. When they do, it’s almost always a “rebound” relationship designed to distract him from the pain of losing you – and it never works.
If you’re really worried that your ex is going to get into a new relationship, or you know he’s in one and you want to find out whether it’s real or not, this article will give you the signs that his new relationship is a rebound. That way, you can get a definitive answer to the question, “Is he in a rebound relationship?” and move on with putting the no contact rule to work for you.
This is about trusting that giving him time is going to make him miss you, and getting into a better mindset so you are as attractive to him as possible. The alternative is panicking, stalking him, texting him constantly, and begging him to take you back – which NEVER works. Trust that this is the only way to get him back (and keep him for good).
Does It Really Have To Be 4 Weeks?
Yes. Remember, he needs space to remember how much he misses you, and shorter than 4 weeks just isn’t going to cut it. Also, you need time to recover from the breakup and come out stronger, happier, and more positive. That’s just not going to happen in under 4 weeks, and it’s going to work against you if you try to do it in a shorter period of time.
Isn’t this rude, or even cruel to him? It seems so over the top.
This isn’t about “punishing” him, or being rude, or being intentionally cruel to him. It’s about giving both of you some much needed space to get perspective on the relationship and really identify the issues that drove you two apart.
Remember, the no contact rule isn’t about him, it’s about YOU. You’re not cutting off contact to try to spite him, you’re giving yourself time and space to heal from the breakup – just like you’re giving him time and space to start missing you again.
Finally, here’s the biggest reason for the no contact rule:
It stops you from making the fatal breakup mistakes that will truly drive him away for good – that we’re going to talk about in the next section.
Step 2: The Fatal Mistakes (And Ignoring Your Instincts)
This section will cover all the fatal mistakes that women make after breakups. These mistakes will drive your ex away from you and all but ruin your chances of ever getting back together with him.
The worst part about these mistakes is that they’re so natural. These mistakes happen when you follow your instincts after a breakup.
At first glance, that doesn’t seem fair… and it’s not. It’s not fair that your instincts will urge you to do things that will ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex.
That’s why the no contact rule is so important – to take away the chances of you making any of these fatal mistakes.
Mistake #1: Letting Him Do Whatever He Wants And Just Taking It
After a breakup, the temptation is to just give your ex whatever he wants in the hopes that it will bring him back to you.
This is one of the worst things you can do – because all that does is signal to him that he’s in control and that you’re not going anywhere – which means there’s no reason for him to get back together with you.
If he’s getting everything he wants from you without doing any work or having to get back together with you, what incentive does he have to rekindle the relationship?
None.
In addition, giving in to him and giving him everything he wants shows him desperation. It makes your vibe desperate, which turns him off consciously and unconsciously and ruins your chances with him.
In fact, a lot of relationships end with this fatal mistake. Here’s how it normally happens:
The beginning, or “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is an exciting, magical time. You two were doing fun things together. You were enjoying getting to know each other and exploring with each other. You were equal with each other.
Then, as the relationship goes on, something shifts…
Instead of feeling equal, it feels like you’re losing him. Like you have to chase after him to get his attention.
Like you have to bother him to get affection from him.
It feels like slowly but surely, you’re losing him… and you don’t know how to stop it.
You start to get worried that he’s pulling away or withdrawing, and so you put up with his bad behavior in an attempt to make him want to stay.
Unfortunately, all that does is make him lose respect for you and see you as desperate, which undermines the relationship even more and pushes him away even further.
It inevitably becomes a downward spiral that continues until the relationship falls apart.
The only way to have a good relationship is if you demand a good relationship from him. If you don’t, and give him everything he wants to make him want to stay with you, you’re sabotaging the relationship and destroying your chances with him.
Mistake #2: Giving Him Tons Of Affection
This ties back into the first mistake – except instead of convincing him to get back together with you by putting up with his bad behavior, you’re trying to convince him to get back together by showering him with affection.
The key mistake here is trying to convince him to get back together with you. That makes you look needy and desperate – which will turn him off completely.
When you shower him with attention and affection, it shows him that you’re desperate. He knows you love him – he just broke up with you. When you remind him how much you love him, what actually happens is that he thinks you’re trying to manipulate him into getting back together with him, and it turns him off.
Remember, a conclusion he comes to on his own is always going to be way more powerful than a conclusion you manipulate him into making.
Mistake #3: Trying To Use Pity To Get Him Back
Pity isn’t attractive. Neither is begging. When you first got together with him, you didn’t beg him to be with you. You didn’t rely on his pity for him to go on a date with you. Those things won’t help you now.
All begging or using pity does is convince him that he made the right move. It sabotages your vibe and makes you seem needy and desperate, which forces him to recoil from you and push you away from his life.
Mistake #4: Getting Super Jealous If He Starts Dating Someone New
Obviously, this can feel like a super upsetting thing. After all, he’s dating someone new, that means your chances are ruined, right?
Actually, not nearly as much as you’d think. Like we talked about before, when a guy starts dating after a serious relationship, it’s almost always a rebound relationship – not a real one.
And rebound relationships are totally ineffective ways of moving on. All it will do is remind him that he cares about you more, and that he wants you back in his life.
Acting jealous won’t make him want to come back to you – it will do the opposite. It will push him even further towards the other girl, and once again make you come off as needy and desperate.
Mistake #5: Calling And Texting Him All The Time
This is covered by the no contact rule, and it’s one of the biggest reasons the no contact rule exists.
Your instincts are going to be screaming at you to call him and text him all the time. You miss him, you want to talk to him, you want him to acknowledge you, you want contact with him!
Unfortunately, your instincts are working against you. Contact with him will only push him further away and tell him he was right to break up with you.
So as hard as it is, it’s best to follow the no contact rule. Without it, it’s much more likely that you make this fatal mistake.
Mistake #6: Acting Cold, Aloof, Nasty, Or Desperate Towards Him
Just like your instincts are telling you to call and text him, they’ll also be telling you to be nasty to him. After all, he broke your heart! It’s only natural that you’ll want to hurt him back.
This will obviously work against you – by driving him further away and reinforcing in his mind that he doesn’t want you in his life. Even if it feels good in the short run as a cathartic release of pain and frustration, in the long run it will surely drive him away from you forever.
Remember – causing him pain won’t make him want to get back together with you. It will just mess you up and push him away.
Mistake #7: Trying To Make Him Jealous By Talking About Other Guys
This is another reason for the no contact rule – to prevent you from making this fatal mistake.
If you’re trying to make him jealous by flaunting the fact that you’re seeing other guys in his face, all it will do is make you look desperate.
He’ll be able to see right through it (after all, you’re seeing other guys to make HIMjealous, so he’s still in control), and it will feel like you’re trying to manipulate him. That will turn him off and drive him away from you faster than anything else – so definitely avoid this mistake.
Mistake #8: Talking To Him About The Relationship And Asking Him About His Love Life
Like we talked about before, letting him come to his own conclusions is much stronger and more powerful than trying to lead him there yourself.
It’s so much stronger when we figure out something on our own than when someone else tells us.
It’s like when you realize something on your own vs when a friend tells you something. It’s more powerful when it’s self generated.
So let him come to his own conclusions about the relationship. Don’t ask him how his love life is going now, let him realize that it’s not as good as when you were dating.
Those are the top fatal mistakes that will destroy your chances at getting him back.
Now it’s time to move on to step 3 – what you should be doing during the no contact period.
Step 3: Get Stronger While He Gets Weaker
So you might be wondering: what am I supposed to be doing during the no contact period?
There’s a very simple answer to that: you’re going to be getting stronger while he gets weaker.
While he notices your absence from his life more and more, you’re going to be improving yourself, feeling better, stronger, and more independent, and becoming physically and emotionally healthier.
That means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident, and happy, and gain perspective on the relationship, he’ll be sliding backwards into thinking about you, missing you, and ultimately wanting you back.
Think about it this way: these 4 weeks of no contact are your detox period. You’re detoxifying yourself from the relationship, and getting past all the pain and heartbreak of the breakup.
If you never detox from the relationship, then that same negativity, desperation, and pain will prevent you from ever getting him back. After all, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back if your mind is working against you.
